Dear Aphrodite,

Help! I am becoming increasingly dissatisfied with the women of Cyprus. My eyes are disenchanted with their shamefulness, and I grow weary in the pursuit of the perfect woman. Is she out there? Am I unreasonable?

Signed,
Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

I would not say that you are unreasonable in your pursuit of the ideal woman. In fact, I myself was in a situation recently where I had to admit that I was unsatisfied with my husband, Hephaestus. It is more important to follow your heart than to follow the dictates of society. Once I admitted my distaste for Hephaestus, I was free to pursue my passion for Ares. (Xavr 2000)

I propose that you do this: Create a sculpture of the perfect maiden. Do not hold back your wishes or creativity as you do this. On the day of my feast, I will judge your work and decide if she is worthy of breath.

Dear Aphrodite,

I read your column all the time, and I was wondering if you could help me with this woman, Pomona, that I am in love with. She's completely absorbed in her career, and has no desire to ever settle down. Her life is her garden and I can only find admittance to her when I disguise myself as a fisherman, a reaper, or a soldier. (Bulfinch 2000) How do I win her heart?

Signed,
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

I can't say that I understand your frustration because I always get what I want. My attitude is to take as many lovers as you can, and deny yourself nothing.

However, if you are set on this one woman, you must approach her as someone she can trust. Let me explain: a woman will take advice from another woman, but we are hesitant to do so from a man. That's just the way we are. Go to her as an wise, old woman, and persuade her to open her heart. You should also remind her that I hate a hard heart, and see if that makes an impact. You might also try telling her an allegory of the dangers of denying love. Once you have done this, reveal yourself and I promise that she will be engulfed in passion and love you immediately.

Dear Aphrodite,

I am so ashamed. I seem to have fallen in love with my brother, we'll call him Macareus, and I don't know what to do about it. (NBCI 2000) We sort of had a child together and I think my Mother and Father would be really mad at me if they found out. I can't handle the guilt, it torments me relentlessly. I want to just end it all.

Signed,
Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed,

You "seem to have fallen in love"? Don't insult my intelligence by denying what is glaringly obvious. I am the goddess of love and passion. I am not fooled by your attempt to hide behind words.

As for your issues with shame, consider this: We gods have no morals. Think about the actions of my father and siblings. There is no room for right or wrong in this society. You must simply follow your desires and not think about the consequences. (For, in thinking of the consequences, you might lose your strength and run to the sword.) I would advise you to stay away from your parents until they quit forbidding your passion.