Aphrodite on a half shell
Aphrodite to the rescue!
Aphrodite's Advice Column
Written by Aphrodite, with a little help from Clint McCoy

Dear Aphrodite,

I am madly in love with a woman named Pomona, but she will not allow any man to enter her grand orchard. I have the ability to change into any shape that I wish but I can not find a way to enter her orchard or her heart. Please help.—Shut Out of the Orchard.

Dear Shut Out,

All women require love. Without the support of another any man or woman will find themselves prostrated on the ground. Use your power of metamorphosis to change into a shape that she can trust. If she will not allow a man into her garden then change into an old woman and gain her trust to gain entrance into her sacred garden. You should speak of your real self as though the old woman knows him well and build yourself up in her unloving eyes. In her orchard you will find an elm tree entwined with a beautiful vine of grapes. Use this tree and its vine, which she takes much pride in, as an analogy to the love that a woman needs. Then tell her a story of a woman who has shut out the love of a man and inform her of the consequences that I bring to those that refuse the love of another. The story of Iphis and Anaxarete is an excellent story that will make her fear the absence of love and educate her on the punishments that accompany such a cold, hard heart. Iphis was a common man that found himself deeply in love with Anaxarete who was a woman of nobility. Iphis could not control his love for her and begged her on a daily basis for her hand, but Anaxarete was not interested on any level. She even laughed and mocked his constant callings. Eventually Iphis surrendered his love and committed suicide. His ensuing funeral procession passed by Anaxarete’s home, and she wished to see this sad procession. The moment she laid eyes on Iphis’s dead stretched out body her blood turned cold and she turned to stone—just like her heart. This story should shed some light on the consequences of a lonely cold life and at this point of revelation you should shape back into your handsome form and allow her to fall in love with you.

Dear Aphrodite,

I am lucky enough to be the beloved of Poseidon and we have had children whose names are Aloeus, Epopeus, Hopelus, Nireus and Triopas. But I am finding myself to be more and more in love with a man that is very close to me as well, my brother. Should I follow my lustful feelings that I have for my brother or should I remain faithful to Poseidon, who would not understand the love I have for another. Confused in Crete.

Dear Confused,

Personally I do not look down upon those that follow any lustful feelings because it is generally me that gives them those feelings. Even though it is your brother I would understand if you follow through with these urges. If I were you I would not be frightened of the reaction the great Poseidon will have after hearing of your love for your brother. I would actually be worried about the reaction your father will have if he finds out about your love for a sibling. If your father finds out about your love affair with your brother he will be enraged and kill any offspring that you and your brother create and he will also find a way to rid himself of you. He will try to convince you to kill yourself, but you must remain strong.

Dear Aphrodite,

I am a talented sculptor and I live a life of celibacy because I see that women are to blame for so much pain in the world. I have created an ivory virgin that is so beautiful that it looks as though it were created by nature itself. Despite my history, or lack there of, with women I find myself falling in love with my creation. I give it presents and dress her with the finest of jewelry and linens. I even call her my wife from time to time. What should I do? I can not go on loving an ivory statue can I?—Pathetic in Pathos.

Dear Pathetic,

Love finds its way into our lives via strange avenues. This sculptor seems to have a number of realistic qualities or you are just plain crazy. If the love you have for this ivory virgin is true then I think that I can help you out. My festival at Cyprus is coming up and I think that you should find a way to get there. When you get there, you will have to perform your part in the solemnities and then I would like you to approach my altar and pray that your ivory wife might come to life. I will then raise up the fire of my altar three times. When you return home you shall give your ivory wife a kiss and you will find that her lips are warm to the touch and her veins filled with the blood of a living being.

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