What was supposed to be a miraculous weekend at the Mythological Resort, turned out to be one of the craziest weekends ever to be investigated by the Tactical Mythology Department (TMD). The over anticipated wedding of the Lapith King turns into a pay- per- view blood brawl, an ex- con begins a high speed chase in a stolen chariot, and a groom goes A.W.O.L. Coincidence? I think not. Was this fun filled weekend the work of the gods or are these individuals responsible for their own bizarre actions? This tragic and crazy trilogy happened way too fast for our testimony crew to make it to the scenes, but an eye witness was found later for an interview.
We start our story with two bold and noble men who were sworn to eternal friendship. Theseus and Pirithous were inseparable; they built a huge reputation as legendary wedding crashers. Their names rung throughout the land and it was said that the day that these two settle down would be the day that Hades turns up his air conditioner unit and pigs fly! Little did they know that that day would come soon. The beautiful Hippodameia soon stole Pirithous’ heart and convinced this young crasher to put them foolish days behind him and head towards the alter. They made marital arrangements as soon as possible and the rest was history (or myth). The soon to be Queen of the Lapiths made all the necessary wedding arrangements except for the wine. You see, Pirithous was a very picky drinker. When he was 11 years old he drank a pint of wine before gym class with some buddies of his. As a result of his reckless drinking, he broke out into terrible hives and was cursed for it. Now he can only consume a special blend of wine straight from Gaia’s belly called Welch’s; and only on special occasions.
Pirithous was overwhelmed with the wedding and waited till the last minute, as always, and decided to let his best man assist with the wine arrangements. So Theseus called on the only person he knew could get decent Welch’s at a moments notice, he called on Chiron. Now, Chiron was not just the King of the Centaurs, he was also college roommates with Theseus. Chiron ran a catering business with his centaur buddies in Magnesia and for his generosity and availability on short notice Pirithous invited them to the wedding reception. It was a wondrous event. The bride and groom seemed happy, everyone was smiling and getting along, but it was getting kind of late. Pirithous ordered for designated drivers to be on stand by because Welch’s was not a drink to be taken lightly. Any blend directly from the belly of Gaia was potent and could turn the mind into its own playground. The Centaurs, after the consumption of too much wine began to see things. They began to believe that the Lapith women were not unfamiliar women, but rather their mothers and sisters. This is a mistake that could have only been made under the influence of alcoholic beverages, although in one version, the Centaurs and Lapiths were related. The Centaurs were disgusted to see what they believed to be their mothers and sisters drunk and acting very friendly with the Lapiths. One Centaur who had had enough, reaches across the dinner table for a piece of ham and launches it. The flying piece of pork nails Caeneus in the side of the face. Caeneus was a well respected hero with great strength, who had just undergone a critical sex change surgery, so he was very emotional at this point. Furious with the assault just made cries out, "Why ham? Why couldn’t it have been a chicken or even beef? Why ham?!" The cries and tears of Caeneus did not go unheard. Next thing you know both parties had assembled and commenced in a dreadful food fight. There were bacon bits being tossed, pigs- in- a- blanket being booted, and whole pieces of ham being chunked across the reception hall of the hotel.Well, it was said that the day that either Theseus or Pirithous would marry would be the day that Hades cools down or pigs began to fly, and from the sight of this reception I would say that these pigs were definitely flying! After the flying food feast the Centaurs decided that it would be better to flee. They grabbed up the Lapith women and made for the exit, but it is kind of hard to run with a lady on you shoulder and a couple drinks under your belt. Their plan to abduct these women was foiled before they reached the lobby.
The bell boy of the hotel was supposed to be the eyewitness to all of it, but when authorities came he was nowhere to be found. The bell boy’s name was Ixion. His part of this trilogy takes place on the fourth floor of the hotel. Now Ixion had just been hired at this resort as part of his work release program. He served his time in exile for the murder of his father- in- law. He was assigned a fitting parole officer; who went out of his way to be assigned this case. As part of Ixion’s work release program he had to report to his consigned place of work on time, have zero complaints, and complete a total of 170 hours of community service. The hotel had been in total chaos all day in preparation for the wedding reception being held, but amidst all the pandemonium a beautiful and wealthy woman checked in early that afternoon. This woman’s name was Hera and she captivated Ixion completely. He was debating on the perfect opportunity to steal away and approach her and with all the mayhem going on in the lobby, he thought what better time then now.
Ixion was the one who checked Hera into her room, so he had a master key. This ex- con approached room 484 with intentions of following his heart. Neighbors on that floor reported seeing a weird looking man approaching that wing of the hotel whistling Dixie with a bottle of wine in hand. Ixion enters the room and begins to make advances towards the goddess. Hera warns his that her husband will return shortly and if he knew what was good for him he would leave now with all that foolishness. Ixion figures that she was just giving him the old "I got a boyfriend line" and continues with his advances. Just as Ixion is about to rape her, this huge 6’7’’, 275 lb beast with thunderbolt as his eyes breaks through the door. She had a boyfriend alright and boy was he mad. Her boyfriend turned out to be his parole office, the almighty Zeus. Stricken with terror young Ixion leaps from the bed to the dresser, from the dresser to the window, and swings down to the fire escape with the curtains. Zeus enraged by this treachery races down to the lobby and request assistance from the TMD officers dealing with the previous incident. Before Zeus and the officers can make it to the parking lot, the scared ex- con has already high- jacked a chariot. This leads to a high- speed chariot chase that last for almost 4 hours. The TMD assisted in this pursuit for two of those four hours, their stamina was not sufficient for this one. The remainder of the wheel screeching, chariot chasing was ruthlessly continued by Zeus himself.
Back at the hotel, things are starting to simmer down a little bit. The groom is dismayed that his wedding day turned out the way that it did, I mean honestly he did not even get to cut the cake! Theseus notices how troubled his buddy was and approached him with an idea that would cheer him up. Theseus said, "Do not look so sour my friend, it was only pork. It could have been worst, they could have been throwing humus, then we really would have been screwed!" A huge smile slowly formed on Pirithous’ face as he mumbled, "Yeah, and I do not think the caterer brought enough rolls for that!" "Do you remember that crusade we embarked on?" "The one where you got sea- sick threw up for many moons?" "No fool, the one when we abducted that beautiful girl, oh what’s her name… Helen! Her name was Helen!" "Yeah, I remember that one, it was quite an adventure. What about it?" "Well, I figure that since your wedding night was ruined and I didn’t get you much of a gift anyways, maybe we can go on one more abduction spree. What do you think?" "I like how you think my friend and I have the perfect lady in mind. I’ll drive." So with this sinister plot at hand, these two former wedding crashers set out for one last abduction. The only problem was that Pirithous had his eye set on the Queen of the Dead, the beautiful Persephone. Shortly, these two pull their chariot up to the gates of Hades’ mansion. Hades resided in the lower part of town, so things were not so well kept on this side of town.Theseus and Pirithous were greeted at the front door by Hades himself. Stories of the legendary Pirithous’ engagement to Hippodameia were all over town, so they used this as their reason for their unexpected visit. The dynamic duo began to trick Hades into letting Persephone go to the wedding reception. Hades saw right through their lies, he already watched the evening news and saw that the wedding reception broke out into a brawl, but he played along. He graciously offered them a seat and something to drink. Theseus and Pirithous were sweating tremendously, it could be because they were so nervous, or the fact that Hades never turns his air conditioner on. Hades noticed that these two are pouring out lies and sweat and offered to be a great host by turning on his A/C. He agreed to let Persephone go and informed her to get dressed. Some women take a long time to get dressed, sometimes a couple of moons, and the Queen of the Dead was no exception.
Now, if Theseus and Pirithous would have thought through their plan more they would have known that Persephone was only allowed above surface once a year and the only one who lets her leave is Hades. If he were to let her leave now there would be no one to help him pick out the appropriate trousers for the winter (Hades was a little color blind). The time it took Persephone to get ready the sweat from Theseus and Pirithous’ bodies had bonded them to the bench that they were sitting to. The air conditioner was up to high and now they were stuck to their seats. Hades burst into tears of laughter when they realized what had happened to them. He stood up, stretched, and whispered, "Next time you think about throwing a party, you should remember to invite yours truly!" He adjusted the television to where both could see and turned on the Murder She Wrote Marathon. He turned out the light as he is walking out and in a sinister tone whispered, "Goodnight boys."
These events all occurred on the same chaotic weekend. Where are these people now? Well, the Centaurs lost their catering business. They all failed their food handlers permit test. They now operate a chariot wash outside of Athens. The lustrous ex-con bell boy Ixion was finally caught by Zeus. He was later found tied to the wheels of that stolen chariot. Zeus lost his job as a parole officer, they said something about a temper problem. My source for this incredible story was with Pirithous during this tragic episode. Theseus was able to escape the home of Hades. He now wears leg braces and refuses to tell how he made it out or what became of Pirithous. Pirithous was never seen after his wedding night. Some joke that he went on his honeymoon without his honey. The manager of the Mythological Resort is still trying to contact him to pay for the damages to the reception hall.
If you have further information concerning the whereabouts of this missing man please contact the Tactical Mythology Department.
Gardner, Ernest. "Caeneus and the Centaurs: A Vase at Harrow." The Journal of Hellenic Studies. 17 (1897): 294-305.
Harris, Stephen L., and Gloria Platzner. Classical Mythology. New York: McGraw- Hill, 2004.
Rumrich, John Peter. "Milton and the Myth of Ixion." ANQ 1.2 (1988): 47- 51.
Smith, Cecil. "The Myth of Ixion." The Classical Review 9.5 (1895): 277-280.
Woodford, Susan. "More Light on Old Walls; The Theseus of the Centauromachy in the Theseion." The Journal of Hellenic Studies. 94 (1974): 158-165.