Aphrodite dispensing advice
Aphrodite dispensing advice
Aphrodite's Advice Column
Written by Aphrodite, with a little help from Sherri Chasteen


Hello, my name is Aphrodite! Yes, the one and only goddess of sexual desires and passions. I am here to help you find ways to obtain the one you long for. Write to me about your problems and situations and I will give you the advice that will forever change your life. No love interest is too small. Ask me how to deal with the one you so desire and I will give you suggestions on how to obtain this apple of your eye.

Speaking of apples, weíll hear first from Hippomenes who likes fast women.


Dear Aphrodite,

I am madly in love with the virgin huntress, Atlanta, who can outrun anyone. Not only is she the fastest runner alive but she is so beautiful. Although I like the chase, my dear Atlanta has sworn to be unmarried until she has lost a race. The only thing is, if I lose this race, I lose my life. Losing my life would be better than not having her, though. Please Aphrodite, how can I outrun the woman I long to catch?

 --Hippomenes

Dear Hippomenes,

This woman you desire after, Atlanta, she like all women have things that catch their eye. The stories of this heartless woman, Atlanta, show me that she is not easily persuaded to detour from her mindset. She is destined to marry but not guaranteed to be happy. So approach this speedy temptress with caution for she knows her destiny and is very weary of falling in love. Though she is very smart, if you really long to have this woman, I shall give you a special gift so that you may win this race. "The most precious acre in Cyprus is my templeís orchard. A tree grows of there of solid gold. With leaves of green gold on boughs of white gold. Among those leaves hang apples of red gold" (Hughes 127). Here are three of those apples, I give to you.

As you and Atlanta race know that she will beat you if you do not use these apples. When she gets ahead of you by far, throw an apple to distract her. This will make her stop for a few seconds so that you gain some ground. You only have three so please be smart. Because of her intense speed the apples will not only be beautiful but have some weight to them as well. With this it should help you win the race and therefore you will have a bride. This is my gift to you. Make sure you let me know how things are going, or else your new wife wonít be the only trouble you deal with.

(Story taken from Encyclopedia Mythica)

Dearest Aphrodite,

I long to have a man who is strong and smart and powerful but the man I long for isnít a man Iím supposed to have. Heís my father. I wish to have no other though even though I have all the suitors of the east to choose from, I only want him. This tears me up inside and I envy my mother. The guilt is horrible but I canít help the way I feel. What am I to do?

 -Myrrha

Dear Myrrha,

My dear, although it is unacceptable among humans this is a very common situation up here on Mt. Olympus. This is what you do. Confide in someone you can trust, such as your nurse or best friend, someone who can help keep the secret but, Iíd refrain from talking to Mom about this, she might not understand. One thing I do advise though, if you really do wish to be with your father then wait. Good things are worth waiting for. Wait for the festival of Ceres, your mother will be unable to be near your father for nine days. He will be lonely and desiring a womanís company, during this time you will be able to make your move. Make sure that you only go at night and in complete darkness because only one can hold the guilt of your actions. It is important that you do not reveal this to your father. The consequences are severe.

(Story taken from Tales From Ovid)

Dear Aphrodite,

I am in love with a man who is in love with no one but himself. He, Narcissus, allows himself to be touched by no one because of his intense beauty. It is too bad that he doesnít have the personality to match his beauty. I cannot refrain from falling madly in love with him though. Because of the curse I have been placed under I am only able to repeat the things others say. Please help me, for I wish to cleave to this gorgeous creature.

 -Echo

Dearest Echo,

I am sorry to report that I cannot do anything to make this vain creature fall in love with you. I can however lead him to a pool of water where he will fall in love with his own image and not fall in love with anyone else. He will then be there for you to watch all the rest of his days. He is a lost hope in the relationship department though.

(Story taken from Tales From Ovid)

Dear Aphrodite,

I desired to remain a virgin and begged my father to allow me to stay like Dianna. After being hit by the blunt lead arrow of your son, Eros, I desired no man. I am loved though, by men and gods, Apollo in particular. Because I was being chased I ran and cried to my father for help. Now I am a tree. Apollo is so faithful and still longs for my love and he swears to keep me in his heart forever. Do I reciprocate his love? If so, how?

-Daphne, the laurel tree.

Dear rooted friend,

Boys will be boys and I am sorry you were caught in the midst of their foolish games. Apollo does not deserve the love of such a beauty because he does not understand the power of my son, Eros, who has the power of love. It is not a necessity for you to reciprocate his feelings. This also relieves you of the burden so that you do not have to kill any children you could have had with him. Apollo will long for you and keep you close to his heart for all times. Enjoy the peace of the forest my dear.

(Story taken from Mythology)

So concludes the letters of advice. I hope not only the mortals in regard take heed to the advice given but all who read. Please learn from my wise teachings and remember to not ever forget what I have done for you.

Your Goddess of Desires,

The Sexy Aphrodite

Works Cited

Hamilton, Edith. Mythology: Timeless Tales of Gods and Heroes. New York: Warner Books, 1942.

"Hippomenes." Encyclopedia Mythica from Encyclopedia Mythica Online. <http://www.pantheon.org/articles/h/hippomenes.html>
[Accessed January 30, 2007].

Hughes, Ted, trans. Tales From Ovid. New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 1997.

Ovid. The Metamorphoses. Trans. Horace Gregory. New York: Signet Classic, 1958.


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